It's my punishment
by HeavyDirtySoulIsHoldingOnToYou
Summary: Stiles' thoughts after the Nogitsune. Not good at summaries, sorry.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- I don't own Teen Wolf but I thought I would mess around with some character, so enjoy!**

 _"When is a door not a door," a voice whispered out of the darkness, "when is a door not a door." The voice seemed closer now. "C'mon Stiles, you know the answer to this. When is a door not a door." The voice suddenly whispered in his ear. He could feel the breath of the Nogitsune right by his ear. "Let me back in Stiles, you know you enjoyed the power I gave you, you were no longer Scott's defenceless human friend. You were stronger than him and you can be again if you just let me back in. So I'll ask one more time, Stiles."_

 _Suddenly flashes of himself began to happen,_ _ **'no that's not me, that's not me doing that, it's the Nogitsune not me not me not me nonono!'**_ _Stiles thought to himself. There he (_ _ **nononono the Nogitsune... not me... never me**_ _) was stabbing Scott (_ _ **No stop don't hurt him not my best friend... not my brother**_ _) and then twisting the sword and a feeling of pleasure overcame him, not his own but that of the Nogitsune. Then there was Allison laying in Scott arms dying, while to sound of Lydia screaming began to pierce his ears. (_ _ **I tried to stop him... I tried... not strong enough... never strong enough to help...**_ _)_

 _"So answer me Stiles, when is a door not a door!?" The voice screamed in his ear jolting his attention away from the memories playing and the re-playing over and over again. "WHEN IS A DOOR NOT A DOOR!?"_

 _ **"WHEN IT'S AJAR!"**_

Stiles awoke panting, tears streaming down his face and his heart pounding so loud that he wouldn't have been surprised if it woke his dad up. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He rested his face in the palms of his hands and whispered, "Just a dream, it was just a dream" to himself until heart calmed down to a reasonable level.

He sighed into his hands, "Except it was just a dream, it was a nightmare that really happened." Stiles lay back down in his bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking. 'How am I supposed to look at Scott when I can remember stabbing his and the feeling of the Nogitsune's perverted pleasure at the sight, at the feel of the warm blood pouring at of the wound over his hands. How am I going to look at Scott when I am the reason Allison, his first love, is dead, that I was too weak to stop the Nogitsune and how am I supposed to be able to look at Lydia when I killed her best friend.' These thoughts haunted Stiles all night.

He finally managed pushed those thoughts away when his alarm went off telling him it was time to get ready for school. He sighed to himself. "Another day of pretending to be okay. Another day of telling everyone that I'm fine."

Stiles dragged himself out of bed and through his morning routine. When he finally got down stairs there was no one there, "Dad must be at work... or he can't stand to be around his murderer of a son." He muttered to himself as he walked towards the door. After making sure that he had locked the door he unlocked his Jeep and dropped his backpack inside and started the journey to school.

When he arrive at school Stiles left the safety of his Jeep and gripped the straps of his backpack, staring at the school and the people entering and trying to force himself to move. "Okay I can do this. I can finally convince everyone that I'm fine and that I don't blame myself." Stiles muttered to himself unconvincingly, sighing when he still can't convince his body to move 'I do blame myself and so does everybody else. They might not say it to my face and they might tell me it's not my fault but I know they don't mean it.'

He sighed when he saw Scott walking towards him. 'Okay it's time to start acting now.' He thought to himself.

"Hey Stiles, you doing okay?" Scott asked when he finally reached Stiles, "You look pretty tired, man."

Stiles smiled, hoping it looked more real than it felt to convince Scott, "Yeah, I made the mistake of going on Wiki before going to bed, you know when I get on there I have a hard time convincing myself to go to sleep." He lied making sure to keep his heart beat steady while walking toward the History classroom, which was his first lesson of the day. 'I hope he believed me, I don't want him to know I'm still having nightmares. He would try to make me feel better and he can't because this is my punishment.'

"Stiles, I thought you would have learned by now." Scott chuckled, turning to face him by walking backward and somehow managing to avoid bumping into anyone.

"Heh, apparently not." Stiles muttered trying to avoid eye contact without it being obvious.

"Scott!" They heard being shouted, they both turned to the source of the voice and found Kira standing by her locker waving. Scott smiled at her, lighting up at the sight of her.

"Scott go over there and talk to her." Stiles said nodding toward Kira.

"Yeah I will, talk to you later then?" Scott asked as he finally looked at Stiles after he managed to drag his attention away from Kira.

"Yeah dude," Stiles finally smiled at seeing his best friend and brother happy, "I'll see you later."

"Okay later then" Scott said as he made his way over to Kira. 'Okay I am exhausted, how am I supposed to do this all day.' Stiles sighed looking over at a happy couple, 'I don't know how but I am going to do it. I'm not going to be a burden to Scott, not anymore and not about this.' He thought to himself as he took a final look at the smiling pair before entering the classroom.

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Thanks for reading. This was my first shot at writing and I hope you enjoyed it. I might add more if asked but for now this is complete. Stay alive frens l-/


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer ~ Oh how I wished I owned Teen Wolf however I am but a poor fangirl *le sigh***

 **Warning ~ Hearing voices.**

By the end of the day Stiles was drained, physically and emotionally. 'Who would have thought acting like I was fine would be so difficult. At least the day is over now, I can go home to make some food for dad, which will be left in the oven to heat up and then I no longer have to pretend.' He sighed to himself as another thought forced it's way to the front of his mind 'Tonight will just be the same as every other. Trying to stay awake and then failing only to be woken up soon after by the nightmares.'

".les... Stiles... STILES!" A voice managed to interrupt his internal dread. "Hey Stiles, are you sure your okay? You've been quiet all day." Scott's concerned questions finally managed to grab his attention.

"Huh, oh yeah dude I'm fine just completely wiped after staying up most of the night." Stiles managed to keep his heartbeat steady by telling a half-truth. "Just need to really learn my lesson about doing all-nighters on Wiki this time."

Scott looked at Stiles concerned, "Are you sure? You heart just told me your lying to me Stiles." 'Damn the perils of having a werewolf for a best friend. I need to be able to keep my heartbeat steady all the time now or he's going to find out and that can't happen. It just can't. I need to distract him and I think I have the perfect idea'

"Yes Scott, I am sure," Stiles said with a dramatic flare, "It was looking into your beautiful puppy dog eyes that caused my heart to flutter. I must confess my love to you, I can no longer conceal the truth from you." He said his eyes opened wide, staring hopefully into Scott's eyes.

Scott looked around flustered. "Err, erm. Stiles" He managed to stutter painfully awkward. He was then interrupted by Stiles bursting out into laughter.

"I-I haha... can't ha... believe heh you fell for it." Stiles bent over, resting his hands on his knee trying to calm down his (fake) laughter. Scott in turn looked like he would collapse from the relief he was then feeling.

"Oh yeah, hahaha." Scott said sarcastically, "I was really worried that it was going to make everything awkward between us."

Stiles straightened up and wiped underneath his eye as though he was wiping away tears of laughter. "Its just you were acting so serious, I could help myself Scotty-boy. Anyway I have to go home and cook something for my dad to eat because we all know if I don't he'll just eat junk that'll clot up his arteries. So see you all later." He walked towards his Jeep, waving at everyone when he was seated inside.

When he arrive home he went straight to the kitchen and starting to cook spaghetti and turkey meatballs. After he had finished cooking he wrapped the food up and placed it in the over for his dad the heat up when he eventually left work. He started to clean up after himself and as he was standing by the kitchen sink (~Couldn't stop myself :)~) he heard a voice. He knew he was alone and he also knew it was only inside his head but that didn't make it any easier to ignore. **'Aw poor little Stiles. Doesn't want to tell anyone so they don't worry. You think Scott will tell you it wasn't your fault? That you aren't to blame? Well let me tell you something, he does blame you and if he does find out he'll tell you the same thing. You were WEAK, you should have been STRONGER and because of your WEAKNESS poor little Allison is rotting in the ground.'** 'SHUT UP. SHUT UP.' **'And your dear old dad, well he can't even standing to be around you anymore. He knows your a murderer now. He knows you killed Allison just like you killed your own mother! No wonder he's always at work, he just wants to be away from you.'**

Stiles slid down to the floor in front of the kitchen sink, still holding the knife he was about to wash and placed his hands over his ears muttering to himself "It's not true, it's not true." over and over again. **'Stiles you know that's not going to stop me. You know you deserve this, It's your punishment for being so WEAK and PATHETIC. I'm inside your head and your going to be stuck with me FOREVER!'**

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 **I decided to update since I'm on a roll tonight. I can't seem to stop writing, I think I have a problem hehe. Or could just be sleep deprived since I only slept from 7 O' clock in the morning til 10 O' clock soooo. Anyway hope you enjoyed reading so far and thanks for reading.** **Stay alive frens |-/ 3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer ~ I don't own Teen Wolf. The only way I will ever own it is in my dreams ):**

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 **Sheriff John Stilinski**

John sighed and put the phone down after Stiles didn't answer it for the fifth time. 'I'm worrying about nothing, he's probably at Scott's. I'll ring them anyway to make sure and make me feel better.' He thought to himself as he picked up the phone and dialled the number for the McCall's.

"Hello?" Came Scott's voice down the phone.

"Hey Scott. I was wondering if Stiles was with you?" John asked while looking over the last file of paper work.

"No, I'm sorry Sheriff he said he was going home to cook dinner for you." Scott answered causing John to start to feel worried again. "But when I'm talking to you I thought that I should tell you that he didn't sleep last night. He said he was on his laptop all night but I don't believe him. To be honest I don't think he's slept in a while, he stinks of exhaustion."

John sighed at having his worries repeated back to him; " I think Stiles is still having nightmares and not saying anything. I'm going to go home to see if he's there, thank you for telling me this Scott. Goodbye."

He hung up after Scott replied and picked up his keys and walked to his car.

John parked his car outside of his house. He was worried about Stiles, he had been looking tired ever since the Nogitsune had first possessed him and John had expected that Stiles would start to look better. He hadn't been acting like his usual sarcastic self whenever he had seen him since he had been busy at work, trying to get as much of the paperwork done as possible so that he could spend some time to talk to his son uninterrupted.

He exited his car and unlocked his door. "Stiles! Stiles are you here?!" He entered the living room and then started towards the stairs to check his room when John hear a noise in the kitchen. He walked over to the kitchen door and stopped, staring at the scene in horror.

There he was, there was his son sitting the muttering to himself, staring down at his hands which were wrapped around the handle of a knife. John ran forward after realising what he was holding and grabbed the knife away from him, he sighed in relief when he saw that there was no blood on the knife. That seemed to shocked Stiles out of his stupor, he looked up and when he saw who it was tears began to pour out of his eyes.

"Dad. Dad I promise it isn't what it looked like." He said pushing himself off of the floor and stood there looking like he didn't know what to say. 'Well we both have that in common. What am I supposed to say when something like this happens? "It's okay"? or "I don't believe you?" John thought to himself as he walked around Stiles, placed the knife into the sink and then leaned against the bench trying to gather his thoughts.

"I want to believe you Stiles but you have to admit it doesn't look good." He said after spending a few moments trying to process what had just happened. He turned around to face Stiles and saw him running hands threw his hair and tugging while pacing backwards and forwards in a straight line. "Son just tell me the truth and I promise I won't judge you. But please I'm begging you, tell me what's wrong." John pleaded with his son, trying to convince him that he could tell him. Stiles stopped suddenly and looked him in the eyes, obviously trying to gauge whether or not he was telling the truth.

He must have saw something that told him John was telling the truth because he then sighed and the tension seemed to bleed out of his shoulders, which made John realise how tense he was before once he saw the difference.

"I-I keep hearing the Nogitsune's voice inside my head." Stiles said while looking down and picking at a loose thread on his shirt. "I know it's not him. I know it's just my imagination but it's hard to ignore and it's... it's getting harder every because I can't sleep. The nightmares keep waking me up... the memories of the Nogitsune controlling me, of the despicable things he made me do, they're haunting me and and," he rushed out sounding out of breath, "I don't know what to do anymore dad."

John rushed forward to hug Stiles, who seemed the crumple, leaning into the hug and returning it desperately. "It's okay, it's going to be okay. But I need to know, why didn't you tell anyone?"

Stiles took a deep breath in and then released it, he appeared to be trying to compose himself. After a couple of minutes he pulled away from the hug and then he suddenly blurted out, "I didn't tell anyone because I knew everyone would tell me it wasn't my fault, that it was the Nogitsune who did it and I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to suffer because if I wasn't so weak it wouldn't have been able to control me and Allison would still be alive, Mr Argent would still have his daughter, Lydia would still have her best friend and Scott would still have his first love around. I felt like after all the pain my weakness caused them to feel I didn't deserve to be comforted." Stiles stopped for a moment and took another deep breath and closed him eyes so tightly he looked like he was in pain, "I felt like it was my punishment."

"Oh, Stiles." John sighed before reaching out and placing his hand on Stiles shoulder. "You are one of the strongest people I know. You always take care of others and put them before yourself, even when you were younger you did the same thing. You even take care of me, you cook me food so I don't live off take-out, you limit my drinking to make sure I don't go over board. Even when your mother died you took care of me when it should of been the other way around. But this time, this time I'm going to take care of you and I'm going to make everything okay again. Do you understand me?"

Stiles nodded his head as a single tear fell from his left eye. And for the first time in a while John saw his son looking hopeful.

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 **Well that's the end of this short little fic, I hope you enjoyed it. And I hope if anymore out there feels like they can't carry on anymore that they talk to someone, and if you can't you can even message me. Stay alive frens** **|-/ 3**


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